My mom, the Dorothy M. Whitmire left me one-hundred and two days ago. She passed away suddenly in her sleep on May 13, 2020. As if COVID-19 was not enough (big freaking sigh). I would have said the F-bomb but my religious affiliations don’t support that. However, that is how I feel. I feel so loss without my mom being here. I just do. I still cry crocodile tears and I had to get anti-depressant medications. These are my hard truths that I am not at all embarrassed to share. I thought losing my baby was hard. But geez, I had an entire relationship with my mom. I never got to meet my baby however, both are hard losses.
I absolutely know that it is a process. I absolutely know that my mom is in a cloud of witnesses. Yada yada yada. Yes, I know all of that but I still miss her. There is a void in my life. I had two people on this Earth that I discussed so much with and they both are gone. The other being my best friend Todd Jason Gilmore. Yes, I have people to talk to. I am not saying that. But my mom was my friend. Like my friend friend. I get no resolve in hearing that my mom is now an ancestor that is watching over me. That does not make me feel better at all. It is just certain things that I believe only God can heal over time. I hear it gets a little easier over time but I am not there yet. A co-worker said to me that his grandmother has been gone for twelve years and he thinks of her daily. That probably will be me.
Life is but a vapor. You can be here today and gone today. My mom was fine. Yes she had health issues but I had no idea she would not wake up. I remember my mom sitting up in her recliner chair looking so still and sleep. She looked like she was taking a nap. I have heard well at least she went in her sleep. I say I guess. However, I am glad that she did not have a bunch of tubes running out her body and I am glad she did not pass in the hospital during this COVID mess and no one could see her. I could not imagine having to see my mom pass away via Zoom. God help the families who had that experience.
Yes, I know we all must cross the chilly Jordan and go home to meet the savior. That is what I have been taught to believe since a kid. But I can’t lie. I am a bit somber. I have a lot of questions for God. I have had them since my baby died. I just have. However, some things in life there are just no answers to. We dare not over-spiritualize the grieving process. By no means am I diminishing the supernatural power of God. However, there are just some things we experience on our soul level. One being grief.
I realize there is no time frame to how long someone may stay in the grieving process. Do not let anyone pressure you and say, “oh they should stop crying by now!” I say cry whenever you feel like it. That is why you have tears. I believe crying cleanses the soul and releases feelings. I will never stop missing my mom. I know our family members can not live forever but I wish I had some type of warning to know she was leaving. I say maybe I can grapple with it better knowing she was very ill. However, I did not have that chance because she slipped away in her sleep. I miss my mom dearly. I feel loss. I just do. I say who shall I call? Who will listen to my heart? Who will encourage me? Please don’t tell a grieving person they are lacking in faith either. I promise you I am not. I am just a girl who misses their best friend in the whole wide world. One thing for sure I will let my mom’s name be known around the world. My mom was totally GREAT!!!! There will be no other Dorothy M. Whitmire.